Ever since then - seeing you was never easy on me. It used to send me into shakes, instant migraines, instant diarrhoea - my body's manifestation of extreme stress. I was miserable for days afterward.
But today,I still felt like my lungs and stomach had curiously gone missing. Someone had quickly reached into me and removed some fundamental organs - so intense was the feeling of emptiness. But oh, after ages, it made me smile. You made me smile.
Let me explain the oxymoron.
When I turned and looked out my car window, I was not expecting to see you.I had not thought of you, to be honest, for a long time now. And you were the last thing on my mind. But I turned and my eyes, barely skimmed you before looking away and then back.
How could I not recognize you. Still in baggy jeans, clumsy t-shirts; your hair still knotted in one of those endless elastic bands. Even your posture's not changed - some hint of insolence remained even as you leaned against the car and talked to your friend.
It took my eyes half a second to drink in the details. Your silhouette in the yellow streetlight, the bridge of your nose, the angle of your elbow, the contour of your eyes...Self conviction was on process ‘you are not worth the admiration’.
It's ridiculous how it is. The work of an instant to undo everything you have done over the past several years and for you to be catapulted, as easily as a toy with no choice, into a life, a mind, a perspective that you thought you had buried and attended the funeral for, ages ago.
I was unprepared for that sealed pandora's box to open up like that, for all those unbidden memories to fly up, at me, into my consciousness, a steady streaming of information, smells, noises, words, colors, beauty, feeling of you.
It hit me hard. But gently together and even as the floor of my stomach fell out with shock, I smiled. I couldn't seem to hold you out, couldn't keep you out. The bad and the good.
Yes, you're an impulse dormant in me.

Disclaimer: The characters and events in this write up are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to someone alive or dead (who knows) is highly accidental :P